Blouse Kung Blouse!

Paano Mo Nalaman Na Bading Ka?

Scene: In a meeting, biglang napunta ang usapan sa tanong "paano mo nalaman na bading ka?". Heto ang sagot...

Raul: Noong grade 4 ako, may teacher kaming luka-luka na sexy. Lahat ng kaklase ko binobosohan siya. Naglalagay ng salamin sa sapatos, tinititigan ang dibdib niya.

Isang araw, nasiraan na ata siya ng bait. Biglang sinara ang pinto at sumigaw sa harap ng klase:

"Mga walang hiya kayo! Ito ba, ito ba ang gusto niyo??", sabay tinaas ang palda!

Creative: Hahaha! So anong ginawa mo at that moment?

Raul: (face contorting like he's about to throw up)

Some things in life, you just know.

The Pursuit Of Happiness

Sa gitna ng isang matinding brainstorm, may isang baguhang creative na umiikot. Enthusiastic naman siya, energetic. Parang cheerleader. Kaso wala pa masyadong na-contribute na idea.Chika na chika. Biglang nilapitan si Raul at nagtanong...

Trainee Creative: Raoool, what's your definition of happiness?
Raul: Darling, I know what happiness is and I don't think you should worry about it. What you should worry about is this project...

...Because if you don't come up with ideas in the next 2 hours, I shall be the farthest thing from happiness.

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Ano Raw?

Scene: Raul, back when he was a newbie, was presenting to a difficult and particularly ugly junior-level client. So there he was showing the storyboard when the client looks underneath the storyboard (as if searching for something missing) and nonchalantly tells him:

Client From Hell: Ano ito? I don't like it. This is not fashion.
Raul: (trying to be polite) Anong ibig mong sabihin? Ano ba ang fashion para sa iyo?
Client From Hell: I'll know it when I see it.
Raul: (figuring he has nothing much to lose since he's still being paid a pittance) I know you'll fire me for saying this, but I just have to say this: Hindi ahensiya ang kailangan niyo.

(looks at Client From Hell) Ang kailangan mo, manghuhula. (pauses) And while you're at it...salon!

Raul then walks out of the room.

Ika nga ng sineng Temptation Island...Bitch! Double bitch!

McCann's Next Top Creative

Context: Recently, Raul and the rest of the big kahunas have been discussing who the next ECD will be.

Raul: Ano nga ba ang role ngayon ng isang ECD?
Big Kahuna: Leadership, especially in front of clients. Handholding and motivation.
Raul: Ah, then we need someone who cast a giant shadow over clients. Someone they will respect!
Big Kahuna: Agree. Sino kaya?
Raul: Sino nga kaya? Hmmm. Alam ko na!
Big Kahuna: Sino naisip mo?
Raul: The next ECD of McCann is...Cory Aquino! Isipin mo yun. Walang babastos sa kanya. At magaling mag-inspire! Yun nga lang, laging nakadilaw.

Multong Bakla

Scenario: May isang payat na bading na print producer na madalas umikot sa floor ng creatives para magpapirma ng mga print ad for release. Kahit bading siya at madalas umikot sa floor, halos wala kang marinig sa kanya. Parang wala siya doon. Isang araw di nakatiis si Raul.

Dumaan ang bading na print producer sa may area ni Raul. Tiningnan mabuti ni Raul ang print producer. Nilapitan. At biglang tinapik sa balikat...


Raul: Ay! Totoo ka pala! Akala ko isa kang multong bakla.

Beware, Brangelina

Raul: Alam niyo, nalaglag na si Brad Pitt sa top 5 ko.
Ka-Meeting: Bakit naman?
Raul: May insight kasi ako sa kanya.
Ka-Meeting: Ganon? Ano?
Raul: Nagbabago siya depende kung sino ang girlfriend niya. Nung sila ni Juliette Lewis, goth kung goth siya. Nung sila naman ni Jennifer Aniston, boy next door ang project niya. Ngayong sila naman ni Angelina, may save the world, adopt a child thing na yan.

So ang insight ko kay Brad Pitt: Wala siyang spine o balls. Tite lang siya. Tite lang siya sa akin.

Nagtatawanan na ng malakas ang mga nasa meeting. Akala nila yun na ang punchline nang biglang...

Raul: At naisip ko, kung tite ka lang, kaya kitang bilhin. At therefore, kung tite din lang naman, kaya kong tanggihan si Brad! O diba? Charing!

Dancing Queen

Scene: Raul and a couple of AEs are having a ciggie break in the outdoor caf.

Raul notices that AE Guy is obsessively smoothening his shirt.

Raul: Kanina mo pa ginagawa yan. Parang feel mo talagang hawakan ang dibdib mo ha!
AE Girl: Actually, gusto niya lang mag call ng attention sa boobs niya! Hahaha!
Raul: Bakit, malaki ba talaga? Sige nga, tumalon ka para makita natin.

AE Guy does the unthinkable. He jumps in place.
The macho art directors who are smoking nearby shake their heads in disgust.

Raul to the Art Directors: O, I’m sure ayaw ninyong tumitingin dahil baka tigasan kayo! Bwahahahaha!

And the Art Directors are thinking: now if only it were a girl…

How To Make A Stand

Scene: One day after a bloody presentation. Sinumbatan kasi ng isang kliyente ang ahensiya dahil ang nagde-defend ng storyboard ay wala pang anak (at pang bata ang produkto). Narinig ni Raul at napasalita siya...

Raul: Meron akong sagot na handa para sa mga kliyenteng ganyan. Because they're not worth it. Sinasabi ko sa kanila, "My rack is full of nice, dry cleaned coats. And I made Surf number one. " Sabay walkout! Kailangan mag walk out ka pag sinabi mo yan. Pero wag mong sasabihin na sinabi ko sa iyo yun!"

We could all use a claim to fame like that.

Expiration Date

Scene: Another meeting. Raul getting feedback from his creatives

Raul: (talking to one of the copywriters) So are you happy now?
Copywriter: Yeah yeah I am.
Art Director (cutting in) I'm not.
Raul: Naku naku! Masyado pang maaga para mag expire ka!

3 Days Of Love

Eksena: Sa gitna ng isang victory party. May isang girl na bitbit ang kanyang boylet. Make out kitty make out si girl and boy sa isang sulok ng bar nang biglang lumapit si Raul...


Girlyloo: (regaining composure) Hi Raul! This is my boyfriend ____.
Raul: Wow! Kailangan pa naging kayo? Kahapon?
Boylet: Actually, 2 days nang kami.
Raul: Bakit, may 3rd day pa ba? Bwahaahahaha!

Raul: 1, Girlyloo: 0.

A Call For Entries

Kung ang Cannes, Clios at Effies may call for entries, meron din ang munting blog na ito!

If you have any funny/silly/crazy Raul anecdotes and you'd like to share them, send your story to: sirauloh@yahoo.com.ph. Pics and videos are most welcome.

Pakiusap lang na walang mga confidential or sensitive na kuwento. Let's keep it fun so we can all keep our jobs hehe.

May libreng Chocnut ang mga waging kuwento, promise.

O ano pa ang hinihintay niyo? Sulat na!

D' Original Is D' Best

Tarantining ang mga creatives sa 35^th floor. Kalagitnaan kasi ng isang malaking pitch. As usual, punong-abala ang papel ni Raul. Di niya napansin ang naglalakad na accounts person sa tapat ng kanyang opisina. Dali-daling lumabas si raul ng kuwarto at sabay bulyaw sa mga creatives (in his usual booming, raspy voice):

“LET’S GO!”

Nagulat ang accounts person. Wari’y nabingi.

“Aray ko, nagulat naman ako sa iyo, Raul!”, wika ng accounts person na tulad ni Raul, ay may kagaspangan din ang boses.

Say ni Raul:
“Nagulat ka kasi akala mo, ‘sino ba itong nangga-gaya sa boses ko?”

Force Majeure

Scene: A agency gathering where Raul is explaining some new policies

Raul: So the blah blah for the blah blah and this means blah blah...

That meeting will push through except for force majeure. Hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin ng force majeure, basta maganda siyang pakinggan!

So ngayon (looks to audience) halibawang nagunaw bigla ang buong Makati except ang GT Tower...tuloy ba ang meeting?

A slight pause from the audience. Then they collectively answer like zombies...

Audience: Oo.

Raul (flabbergasted but quickly regaining his composure) Mga gaga! (loud laughter from audience) Alam ko na kung ano problema natin. Bwahahahaha!

The Devil Is In The Details

One morning, Raul is sharing his belief that for presentations, attention to detail is everything. From your bag to your pen to your clothes, it's about details details details. Channeling Karl Lagerfeld, he sums up by saying...

Raul: "Clothes don't always make the man. (pause for dramatic effect) But darling, they sure fucking help! (pause again) Except kung style siya. Tulad ng linen."

Balenciaga vs. Secosana

The Scene: It's a discussion on the challenges facing agencies in the 21st century. The discussion shifts to price competition. Raul's challenge: To constantly make clients love the agency so much that it can command a premium.

Raul: Being the biggest is a position! It counts for something. But it alone is not enough. Kailangan iparamdam na we are worth it. Parang Balenciaga bag yan. I saw this nice Balenciaga bag na may mga ribbon ribbon worth P78,000. And just last weekend, I saw a knock-off na Secosana sa Landmark for P1,800. Eksaktong eksakto. To the untrained eye, maganda. I bought for my maids tuloy.

But anyway!

My point is...kahit ribbon ribbon lang yan, kailangan clients see us as Balenciaga and not Secosana. For whatever reason. Basta worth it.

Age-Appropriate Gayness

Raul speaking to a copywriter who could easily be mistaken for a child because of his modest size

"Masyado ka pang bata para maging bakla!"

How To Deal With Difficult Clients

In a discussion with some of the creatives, Raul delivers this piece of advice with all the conviction in the world...

Raul: More than briliance, humor has gotten me this far. You need humor because you cannot allow yourself to reach the point of cynicism. It's not healthy. Before you know it, may gusto ka nang patayin...either kliyente mo, AE mo, boss mo o ang sarili mo.

(Pauses for dramatic impact)

And darling...you have to save your soul!

Presentation Skills

One afternoon, during a discussion about the future...

Brave Soul: So Raul, do you think creatives should be better presentors? I notice that a lot of good ideas die because they can't present their work.

Raul: (After thinking) No, not necessarily.

Brave Soul: Why?

Raul: Isipin mo..porket tatlong milyon yung tagyawat niya sa mukha kahit magaling siyang art director wala na siyang silbi? O ang baho baho ng hininga niya pero magaling sumulat ng copy, tsugi na? So no, they don't to be good presentors.

Oo nga naman!

Tips for Better Living

The scene: Raul is sharing his thoughts on how he's been motivating a talented but mercurial creative.

Raul: Sabi ko sa kanya, ngumiti ka lang at siguradong gaganda ang mga layout mo!

Even Oprah couldn't have thought of that.

Not Yet!

Scene: Raul is outlining his plans to a small group. Na-bring up ang topic ng Creatives sa McCann at Harrison, both seeking Raul's urgent attention.

Raul: Contrary to what people think, I am not favoring McCann over Harrison. Wala naman akong kamag-anak o romantic interest sa McCann! At wala rin naman akong gusto kay Big Cheese 1 at Big Cheese 2!

Brave Soul from the Peanut Gallery: At wala rin naman silang gusto sa'yo...

Raul (Bella Flores cackle with raised eyebrow): Hahahahahaha! Honey...you don't know that!!! Hindi natin alam yan! Not yet!!!

Aray!

The Dark

Context: The area surrounding Raul's corner office is dark. As in really dark. The creatives in McCann apparently like the mood lighting. The side where Raul's office is on the floor is away from the sun. So it's extra dark. Moving on...

Raul: (as he walks to his corner office one night) Ang dilim dilim naman dito sa opisinang ito! Ang dilim dilim! (motions like a blind man walking) Para akong bulag na madidisgrasya dito.

Creatives and some suits chuckle silently in the background. They can't help it. Raul's a natural entertainer.

Raul: Kaya siguro malungkot dito at maasim! Kasi madilim! Bwahahaha! Ayaw niyong lumigaya! Bwahahaha! Buksan niyo na kasi ang ilaw.

Fear and G(loating) in Las Vegas

Scene: It's another late evening. Long day. Some people are having emotional beers at the 12th floor food court. In comes Raul and one of the big cheeses. This particular big cheese is a face of terror in the agency.

Employee:Hi Raul! Hi Big Cheese!

Big Cheese: O bakit kayo nage-emote dito?

Employee: Well Big Cheese, I had a really bad day. I was so busy and harassed the whole day then this file I emailed to the client didn't get through so I had to cancel one meeting just so I could go back and send the file again. Hay. Kapagod.

Big Cheese: O, why didn't you ask me to send it? It was just in my computer...

Raul: (quickly cutting in and with much glee) Fear yan no? Fear yan no? Bwahahaha! Feeeaaaarrrr!

He looks at Big Cheese and they're both maniacally laughing.

How To Get Great Ideas

Scene from a brainstorm session. After the first wave of ideas have been pitched in, Raul looks at the suits in the room...

Raul: We have great ideas here. Now go do your thing first. Creatives will talk amongst themselves. Magma-marijuana muna kami at mananaginip. Tapos magkita na lang tayo ulit. Kami na bahala. Basta may dala na kaming mga idea.

The creatives get the joke. Some of the suits don't. Uncomfortable silence. They're not sure whether Raul is serious or just dicking around.

Raul: Bakit? Wala bang nagbebenta ng marijuana dito sa McCann?

The Package

While waiting for a meeting to start...

Creative 1: Sir Raul, ito nga pala si [Creative 2]
Raul: Ah ikaw pala yung [Creative 2] sa org chart! Napansin ko kasi na ikaw lang ang writer sa team mo. Emergency yan!
Creative 2: (grins sheepishly) Two years na pong ganyan.
Creative 1: Ah sir, sabi din ni [Creative 2], pakitingin po yung package niya.
Raul: (caught off-guard) Ha? Anong package? Anong ibig mong sabihin?
Creative 1: Yung package niya. Alam mo na. Yung package.
Raul: (incredulous) Ha? Ano nga? Anong package niya?

At this point, the peanut gallery breaks into maniacal laughter.

Raul: Linawin niyo kasi kung anong package yan!

The Welcome Wagon Is Out!

And this is just the first day!